He said/She said.

I have a love/hate relationship with communication.

It is fascinating, exhausting, frustrating, and extremely important to me.

I took a class on the psychology of interpersonal relationships. I learned a great deal about the different methods of communication people employ, which, don't get me wrong, is incredibly enlightening in and of itself. However, I wish more time had been spent discussing compromise; how two people of varying communication styles can interact in a clear and (hopefully) non-stressful manner. I mean, really. How am I supposed to confront someone who doesn't like confrontation?

*via text message* "I have decided not to wait until you get home to tell you that you're a dick."

"..... So, yeah. You're a dick."

How it sounds to me: "I want to talk about this in person, but I also refuse to keep my anger to myself until the next time I see you, since I feel as though I am justified in my hurt. I feel better knowing that I'm not hiding my frustration, and I would much prefer to be aggressive-aggressive, before I am unintentionally passive-aggressive."

How it sounds to him: "I am going to be an outright bitch and insult your character because of something you have already apologized for."

The problems continue, however, since the communication styles differ in terms of resolution as well. It's not enough that an emotional language barrier caused the situation in the first place, it must also try to prevent an expedient and mutually satisfactory conclusion. I immediately want to discuss it so that I don't carry my anger around with me. He wants to ignore it until he feels calmer and more capable of dealing with the situation. Either way, one of us is going to have to sacrifice more than the other.

It bothers me that there isn't an easy solution to this. It bothers me that although I technically "got what I wanted" by talking about it tonight, he is still upset by the events of the evening. It bothers me that after talking about it, and after apologies are made on both sides, I can honestly say, "I'm alright now" but all he can say is, "I will be alright."

I mean, for Christ's sake, we put a man on the moon; you'd think we'd have this interpersonal relations shit down to more of a science.

Pieces

This random, uncontrollable crying at work business has got to stop.

Fat Girl Limbo: Inspired by the movie Beerfest

*I wrote this and posted it on a dating site I happen to belong to called, OKCupid. Someday I'll talk more in detail about that whole decision process. That day is not today, but in the meantime....

On St. Patrick’s Day, I watched the film Beerfest for the first time. I have to say it was entertainingly apropos to say the least. Although I had about 5 beers in me by the time the movie started, I find that even drunk I can’t stop my brain from analyzing whatever sort of information I happen to be feeding it. In this case, there was a particular scene that piqued my psychoanalytical interest. For those of you who haven’t seen it, I’ll try not to give much away (although, if I just say, “beer, tits, and fake Germans” that pretty much gives the whole movie away). Mo’Nique played a side character in this film, and during a scene in which one of the main characters is completely sodding drunk, she ends up having sex with him. The joke of the scene is that because he is so drunk, his perception of her appears to be dramatically altered. Instead of seeing the actual Mo’Nique, through his vision we see a slender, exotic looking woman with an obviously (literally) doctored body and gorgeous facial features.

Now, Mo’Nique is, by no stretch of the imagination, considered the type one would generally want to see in a swimsuit competition. However, despite her robust figure, she is a very lovely woman. Yes, yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but I think it can be agreed upon across the board that she is not difficult to look at. In fact, one might go so far as to say that the only thing preventing her from being considered outright beautiful is her weight.

Regardless of what culture you belong to, no one is completely blind to body size. In many tribal communities, being overweight was/is considered a representation of your wealth and status, and is actually a trait that is thought of as very attractive. In many more modern cultures, including our own, being overweight tends to have the exact opposite effect. Although these two viewpoints are extremely diverse, they are two sides of the same coin. Both perspectives on weight and its attractive qualities have to do with the long term biological goal of offspring, and furthering our genetic lines. If weight gain is seen as a representation of wealth, it becomes an attractive quality in a mate because that means they have the ability to provide a stable environment for offspring. In first world countries, if a person is overweight/obese, it inspires the thought that they do not take care of their own health, or possess less than desirable genetic traits that are expressed in their body size. (On a side note, it could also be argued that since unhealthy food tends to be the fastest, easiest, and cheapest in our society, being overweight can be symbolic of your financial status as well. There is a reason that the lower-middle class is demographically the most obese.)

So tonight, with my brain still contemplating the comedic, but culturally interesting scene, I decided to do a bit of research on good ol’ OKCupid. I searched “BBW” (an acronym for ‘big beautiful woman’, which I believe had its conception in pornography), curious to see what kind of profiles utilized this phrase. Many women came up as options, all of them large, and all of them using the phrase quite openly. The favorite sentence seemed to be, “I’m a BBW, and I’m proud of it!” Men appeared in the search listings as well, but they had a sort of binary diversity to them regarding their utilization of the term. Either they loved it, explicitly saying that they preferred a woman such as this, or they warned away anyone who fell into the category completely.

Now it cannot be argued that, although we have a few good options, the body descriptors for this dating site are ambiguous at best. This is all due to semantics, and it is proven by the fact that many of the women who identified themselves as BBW’s, also described themselves as ‘curvy’, the same body descriptor I used on my own profile. It has never been more clear to me that despite living in a culture that puts a high value on labels, our linguistic system occasionally sucks ass.

With all due self-confidence, I can still say with certainty that my body is far from perfect, and while I definitely don’t feel justified in describing myself as a BBW, I cannot describe myself as fit or skinny. This is what it means to be in Fat Girl Limbo; small enough that you can still fit in mall clothes, but large enough that you share dating site body descriptors with BBW’s. Perhaps worst of all, is that it could be argued that regardless of which direction we Limbo girls go, someone is lowering their standards for us. It is either, “I prefer large women, but I suppose you’ll do,” or, “I prefer slender women, but I suppose you’ll do.” With this sort of (hopefully unspoken) flattery, it is little wonder that so many women find comfort in cheesecake, or seek validation by sticking a toothbrush down their throat.

“Abandon hope all ye who enter here” indeed.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something dead.

If I ever end up getting married, I want to have a zombie wedding. Not in the sense that the couple dress up as zombies, but in the post-apocalyptic setting, 'the zombie outbreak has happened, but we're having this wedding regardless' sort of sense. The wedding itself would be rather traditional, except the bridesmaids may be holding semi-automatics rather than bouquets. It's fun to think about, but if it ever comes to fruition I'll have to plan it rather carefully, since I feel that when one is mixing weddings and weaponry there is a fine line between bad-ass and white trash.

Belated Thoughts on V-Day

Somewhat surprisingly, I do not hate Valentine's Day. It's certainly never been my favorite holiday, but I don't recall it ever causing me extensive amounts of emotional grief.

What I remember, are high school dances of the girls' preference variety. Butterflies in my stomach while I worked up the courage to ask the target of my affections.

I remember guilt, a year later, when that target and I were officially dating, and I didn't want to spend February 14th with my boyfriend.

I remember uneventful, casual days. Where this holiday passed by and I hardly noticed but for the extra amounts of the color red, down select aisles at the grocery store.

I remember a dark club, where patrons spent a cliche holiday dressed as cliche vampires. I remember dancing in platform heels, a vinyl corset. Feeling sexy and silly all at once.

I remember an after party, full of people whom I had never met. I remember drinking shitty beers and making shittier decisions. I remember being the most desired woman in the room.

I remember feeling powerful. I remember feeling scared.

I remember a taunt that pushed me over the edge.

I remember falling.

I remember an uncomfortable car in the dead of winter. I remember not taking it seriously. Just a casual, fun encounter, that didn't actually turn out to be all that much fun.

I remember having no idea or expectation of ever seeing you again, much less that you would end up changing my life.

Those memories are 2 years old now, and although I can say with certainty that I am a different, hopefully stronger person now, there is still an ache that doesn't always feel like it's 2 years old.

Some days are better than others. Apparently Valentine's week is not included in that category.

Commitment Issues

Him: "Oh, I was 'interested' before based on lots of things. But when you displayed wit, intelligence, and cynicism with one statement... Yeah. That did it."

Me: "Oh, haha, thanks?"

Him: "Good luck getting rid of me now. (I mean that in a good way.)"

Me: "A good, creepy way?"

Him: "No... Nothing creepy about it. If you fear having a guy fall for you, maybe dating is a bad idea. haha."

. . . . . . .

Well, damn. He's got a point.

Unchanged Tastes

There are very few celebrity crushes I've had who've grown up along with me.

That is to say, I have not had many long-term celebrity crushes who also happened to be my age.

However, after watching Inception for the second time, I think it is pretty official....

Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes the cut.


Mmmmm..... You just keep on being in films, Joseph.