Scapegoat

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I don't know what sorcery you pulled, lady, but it's like you magically stole all of the potential good shit in my life.

Fucking stop it.

Relief

Lately, I often catch myself thinking about dying. Not in the sense that I have a plan/intent to do away with myself in the near future, it's more along the lines of existential contemplation. That is, would it not be the greatest relief? To no longer think, worry, or feel? After all, one cannot feel depressed if one does not even exist.

As an Atheist, the idea of death is reassuring, saddening, and alluring all at once. When I think about dying, and leaving behind the people that I love, I feel an overwhelming sadness settle in my heart. To think that I will never see them again, laugh with them, tell them how much they mean to me causes me nearly as much sadness as the idea of the pain and loss they would feel if I were to die. However, it is also reassuring to know that this sadness I feel at the idea of dying will only exist so long as I exist. Once I die, I will no longer feel sorrow, or pain, or joy, or love.

I will feel nothing.

I will be nothing.

And therein lies the allure.

The straw that broke the dating-site-camel's back

=D you're funny, or something like that, and i'm pretty wasted... mheh nah i guess i'm just really caught a flu =_='' and so i'm up on saturday-morning ... aaaand i red 'london' at first ... and later it dawnend on my face, that 'london' isn't in friggin utah XD .. erm well anyways.. i was wondering what the frigg was going on in 'lindon' i mean seriously .... 'lindon' ?! .<''' ) but yeah.. just wondering.. hahahaha 'fellatio-list' NFC !! 0.0 i was also on one, long time ago ... *sigh... those where the times.. .. and and uh... what rpg'S are you playing? ö.ö p&p or just some final fantasy kind of shit ? btw, don'T get me wrong, the fifth part is one of the most amazing rom i ever came by.. but yeah.. nowadays FF sucks the big hairy meatball <.<'' imho
well, now i wanne get back to finishing my breakfast-joint. if my grammar isn't that bad ( i honestly don'T know, since english is only my third language <.<'') i would kinda guess i would enjoy a reply.

:D so long,
norb

The fact that (according to OKCupid) I have a 90% match rating with this person is enough to make me lose whatever small amount of faith I had in the match-making qualities of said dating site.

You know the best part about vibrators? They aren't human.

Wake me up when September ends

Every September, I have the unfortunate tendency to fall into the depths of a gripping depression, the likes of which would make even Sylvia Plath proud.

This marks the third year of it’s annual appearance. The thing is, I keep forgetting about it, so it’s always preset by a week or so where I can’t figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, or why I want to sleep ALL the goddamn time.

The glass half-full: Each time this happens, I get a little more self-aware about it. I know a bit more what to expect, and how to try and prevent it from getting too out of hand. The thing about depression though, is that no matter how aware you are during the whole process, it’s still fucking sucks. Just because you know you are depressed, doesn’t necessarily mean you can consciously make it go away. It just means you know what’s happening, you know it won’t last forever, and you know you’re not going to be a very fun person for the next little while. It’s kind of like a really awful period, except without the bleeding.

Well, unless you cut yourself. Which mine characteristically have a tendency to lead to. That’s when it gets out of hand for me. Generally, it’s just once, at the lowest point of the depression, but still, definitely something I’d like to avoid this go ‘round. This takes us to the obvious downsides of having depression.

The glass half-empty: My thoughts are indescribably negative whilst in the wonderland of depression. I become so incredibly critical of myself, that when I look in the mirror I start to dry-heave.

Oh yeah, it’s fun stuff.

Since September marks the start of school, my depression doesn’t do wonders for my desire to attend classes or finish assignments. (It’s undetermined whether my depression is caused partly from the start of school. I’ve never had a September free to test it, after all.) I start to criticize my lack of dedication, of passion, of drive I once had. I tell myself I’m not fooling anyone into thinking I belong in academia, and that I’m just wasting time and money in a field I don’t stand a chance in.

The me bashing doesn’t stop there. If I’m late for a meeting, I immediately assume I’m going to be fired for being the sort of employee that can’t balance school and work adequately. If the guy I’ve been flirting with doesn’t ask me out, I assume it’s because I’m fat, and unattractive and he’s out of my league.

You get the picture.

I promise, I’m not normally like this. It’s so weird to be AWARE that I’m not normally like this, and yet, be in the throes of THIS at the same time. The only comfort I can offer those of you who interact with me is that it will pass. It always does.

That said, you may want to avoid me for the duration of the month, because I also know that it’s only going to get worse, before it gets better.

This is, arguably, the worst thing that could have possibly happened.

Stray Italian Greyhound, GTFO.

The Easy Way Out

Sometimes, in my most pessimistic of moods, I think about taking the easy way out.

It's exhausting, you see, to constantly feel like you're in an uphill battle against the world in an attempt to beat the odds, and find what we hope to be happiness at the end of the tunnel. So, although I'm not proud of it, when I'm feeling more weary and beaten down than normal, I'll imagine what it would be like to take the path of least resistance.

I imagine attending church with one of my many LDS friends, claiming to have had a change of heart and mind regarding religion. I start regularly showing at one of the many local singles wards in the Provo area, and I find a perfectly nice, respectable, desperately lonely return missionary who proposes to me after barely 2 months of dating.

I would stop working full time, (perhaps completely, since this is a fantasy) and convince him that I should focus on getting my degree before we think about starting a family. He indulges me, although it is an unspoken expectation that I won't use the degree for a career, since my life will revolve solely around my eternal family as soon as we first conceive.

What he doesn't know, however, is that as soon as I have my degree in hand, and a scholarship to my out-of-state graduate school of choice, I divorce him faster than you can say, "as long as you both shall live."

That is my easy way out. Would it be morally reprehensible and so abhorrent that I couldn't stand to look at myself? Probably.

Would I finally have a college degree? You bet your ass I would.

In the end, I know I would never actually do this. Some days, though....

Some days I am more capable than others.

He said/She said.

I have a love/hate relationship with communication.

It is fascinating, exhausting, frustrating, and extremely important to me.

I took a class on the psychology of interpersonal relationships. I learned a great deal about the different methods of communication people employ, which, don't get me wrong, is incredibly enlightening in and of itself. However, I wish more time had been spent discussing compromise; how two people of varying communication styles can interact in a clear and (hopefully) non-stressful manner. I mean, really. How am I supposed to confront someone who doesn't like confrontation?

*via text message* "I have decided not to wait until you get home to tell you that you're a dick."

"..... So, yeah. You're a dick."

How it sounds to me: "I want to talk about this in person, but I also refuse to keep my anger to myself until the next time I see you, since I feel as though I am justified in my hurt. I feel better knowing that I'm not hiding my frustration, and I would much prefer to be aggressive-aggressive, before I am unintentionally passive-aggressive."

How it sounds to him: "I am going to be an outright bitch and insult your character because of something you have already apologized for."

The problems continue, however, since the communication styles differ in terms of resolution as well. It's not enough that an emotional language barrier caused the situation in the first place, it must also try to prevent an expedient and mutually satisfactory conclusion. I immediately want to discuss it so that I don't carry my anger around with me. He wants to ignore it until he feels calmer and more capable of dealing with the situation. Either way, one of us is going to have to sacrifice more than the other.

It bothers me that there isn't an easy solution to this. It bothers me that although I technically "got what I wanted" by talking about it tonight, he is still upset by the events of the evening. It bothers me that after talking about it, and after apologies are made on both sides, I can honestly say, "I'm alright now" but all he can say is, "I will be alright."

I mean, for Christ's sake, we put a man on the moon; you'd think we'd have this interpersonal relations shit down to more of a science.